23 Dec 2009

GAMING: Nightmare on Elm Street's Nightmare on Nintendo By Kristian Rodriguez

For a lot of people the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) was the No.1 console from back in the day but for me however I prefer the Sega Genesis/Super Nintendo years. Reason being the games were better and you didnt want to kick the fuck out of your TV due to the games being covered in glitches and being harder than a truck load of Viagra. That being said owning an Atari 2600 was an even more painful experience! even having the thing passed down to me was traumatic enough and I cant imagine how heart breaking it must have been to receive shit games like that as main Christmas presents back in the 70s.
OK so its the late 1980's Nintendo are scoring big on sales, Freddy Krueger is slicing up the box office with sequel year after year and the public are still thirsty for more. So thirsty in fact the marketing team for Freddy Krueger has produced Freddy Dolls, Freddy comics, Freddy Christmas decorations, Freddy Halloween outfits, his own TV show seires called Freddy's Nightmares, Freddy water pistols, an awful Freddy board game, Freddy zippo lighters, Freddy Gloves and now a Freddy Nintendo game.Created by LJN (who have a bad reputation when it comes to NES games) Nightmare on Elm Street is a side scrolling platform game which makes next to no sense. Ok so lets look at the cartridge and box art

Looks promising so far eh... well never judge a game by its cover that's what i say when a cover like this

actually looks like this

Anyways back to the Freddy game and away from the Atari bashing. The story line of the game is to go round collecting Freddy's bones so you can destroy them and put the Elm Street villain to rest once and for all. So the storyline is taken from the 3rd installment of the franchise (and one of the best films in mine and many other peoples opinion) where the exact same has to be done to kill Freddy Krueger.
The game is a side scrolling adventure and you can have up to four players which is rare for a Nintendo game. The game has a bar at the top which is a sleep meter which decreases as you play the game. When the sleep meter runs out the enemies turn into even dumber forms then they already were and Freddy randomly appears and attacks you now and again.

Now as I just mentioned the enemies are just stupid...no let me re-phrase that the enemies are fucking retarded! They have nothing to do with the movies what so ever and range from, bats, snakes, falling rocks, spiders, Frankenstein's monster, ghosts, rats and of course the shitty designed levels which will make your blood boil. So you have to go from house to house and find all the bones and then you get to fight a level boss...
The first boss being a set of anal beads with a trademark Freddy glove attached (maybe they are using the gay undertones that the second movie is filled to the brim with?) that is annoying to beat. Luckily however you can pick up power ups which can give your "dream warrior" different powers and abilities such as turning them into a ninja, the ability to throw spears and gymnastics skills. I always find these handy when battling burned, claw wielding child killers so good call LJN!
The second boss is another set of anal beads with Freddy's head attached which from what I can gather fires tongues at you. Funny I don't recollect a scene in any of the movies where someone died from being eaten out multiple times by Freddy Krueger? Hell I probably would pay to see it as I was dumb enough to buy this fucking game in the first place and a ticket to see Terminator 3.
Actually looking back there was a scene in nightmare number 3 where he turns into some hot nurse bitch who fires tongues at some mute fucker and makes his bed turn into the fires from hell so my bad! The boss after this one is a glove that jumps around the screen without the restrictions of beaded sex toys.
Next up a level set in a scrap yard full of fucking Frankenstein's which is fucking retarded! This game is fucking so difficult by the way it takes the piss... and did I mention its retarded?
Then we come to the next boss which is some fucking winged bat cunt which has nothing to do with anything. The guys at LJN must have sacked the guy who likes using anal beads at this point and hired someone who thinks a flying Hells Angels logo would be awesome as a boss!
So looks like our next boss is a ghost or Freddy Krueger has joined the Ku Klux Klan in order to make everyone think he is even more of a cunt then he was before! Or maybe someones wanked all over him who the fuck knows...by this point I am losing the will to live.
Whats the point in making a video game about a movie franchise and then adding bosses and characters that have fuck all to do with it? Maybe in other LJN games they might have Freddy Kruegers running around. It would make about as much sense!
Next boss Freddy returns at long last...well parts of him. We've had the glove and we've had the licky licky head now lets have both! What next his fucking balls and one of his legs?
Okay so its the last level (thank god!) and its the school. You have have to get to the boiler room and fight against Freddy and this time its for real and there are no anal beads, flying death heads and KKK members to contend with. So after kicking his ass you throw the bones in the furnace and send Freddy back to hell. Now for the ending scene...which before I continue I must let you know that this game is so fucking hard its a joke and it took me from 1991 to 2003 to finally finish this game and here was my reward...
AFTER ALL THEM YEARS THAT WAS MY FUCKING REWARD!!!!! THAT SHITTY BIT OF TEXT! LJN apart from making some decent action figures and toys back then the day you people are a shower of cunts! For putting me and so many other kids through this I hope someone goes round and collects the bones of all involved....after of course they have been beaten to pulp with used anal beads from an aids victim!

22 Dec 2009

MOVIE: THE DEAD NEXT DOOR By Kristian Rodriguez

One of the last movies to be filmed on super 8 hand held technology the Dead Next Door is a zombie gorefest which gives thrills from start to finish. Secretly produced by Evil dead series horror legend Sam Raimi and directed by a young JR Bookwalter, Dead Next Door is a cult classic that any zombie fan NEEDS in their dvd collection.
The story is set in Akron Ohio and the world has been taken over by flesh eating zombies (which don't run and cannot be killed i might add) and society is on the brink of collapse. The law enforcement agency has developed a new type of SWAT team to combat the zombie scum in the form of the Zombie Squad who drive round in a cool hearse that looks like a cop car and are also armed up to the eyeballs. The zombie Squad are led by a character named Raimi (who is voice dubbed over by Evil Dead's Bruce Cambell!!) and they go out kicking zombie ass, looking for survivors and a serum combat the virus by the man who created it. Sent by Doctor Savani (yes named in tribute to Dawn of the Dead's Tom Savini) to find the serum the zombie squad end up locking horns with a religious cult who protect the zombies and feed them. Will they get the serum and end this nightmare?
This movie is an all time favorite of mine! If you love low budget zombie movies covered in gore and satire then this is for you. Highlights for me are scenes like when a zombie walks into a video store and returns a Dawn of the Dead tape, a recently decapitated head digests a finger, zombies on leads like dogs, protesters for zombie rights, Bruce Cambell's cameo voice over, zombies outside the white house and the great special effects throughout.
Sam Raimi gave these young film makers the money for this and they ran with it producing one of the best splatter-fest's which checked all the boxes as far as I'm concerned with B movie nastiness.
Here's the trailer


The set list from last years slayer weekender is back online and available for streaming and download here


Classic documentary made in the 80s about heavy metal in general from all aspects. Featuring Ozzy Osbourne, KISS, Alice cooper, Motorhead, Megadeth, loads of toss glam bands, 80s metal kids from LA, sluts, groupies, an old man who hosts wet t shirt contests and a wierd activist group that can "de metal" you!
HIGHLIGHTS TO LOOK FOR: Ozzy Osbourne trying to cook a fry up pissed! Chris Holmes from WASP drunk in a swimming pool in front of his mother! Paul Stanly from KISS with an untold amount of groupies plus loads of commentaries and interviews from the high rollers on the heavy metal scene.

one of the best rockumentarys ever

COMIC BOOK ADVERTS VOL 1 Pics by Kristian Rodriguez

Here's some adverts from random Marvel/DC comic books spanning from the 1970's to 1990's. The products range from video games, toys and products that can turn you into a karate champion/body builder all for under $5 click images to enlarge

MOVIE: SHOGUN ASSASSIN By Kristian Rodriguez

Banned in 1980 under the video nasty act Shogun Assassin was locked away in the vaults for almost 20 years before being released in the late 1990s. Unlike many of the video nasty's which were banned in the early 1980s Shogun assassin had something different about...it was a decent film. Not to discredit the other films which were banned but on a whole about 90% of the banned films where absolute dog shit just made for shock value adding more gore than sense.
Shogun Assassin however needed to be this violent to tell the tale of a violent time in ancient Japan. The film is the tale of Lone wolf a man who defies a powerful shogun who is an extremly powerful warrior and tyrant in these ancient times. The shogun see's lone wolf as a powerful threat towards his interests and tries many times to have lone wolf killed. Now the shogun character in this film is an awesome creation long white hair and white beard to match with an evil stare almost like an evil japanese merlin make him very a sinister and elusive nemesis for the main character. He kinda reminds me of Shang Tsung the boss from the orignal mortal kombat game from 93.
Anyway the shogun sends a team of ninjas to kill lone wolf in his home while his wife and small baby cub are still in the house. However the ninjas spot lone wolf praying and murder his wife leaving just lone wolf and his infant child. Vowing revenge lone wolf takes out many of the shoguns men which then makes the shogun cut a deal with lone wolf, the deal being if lone wolf can defeat the shoguns son in battle his life will be spared.
Lone wolf wins this duel in one of the most stylish way (which im not going to spoil) and defeats the shoguns son. Shogun spares lone wolf but not his son and from then on is forever sending assassins and ninjas to kill the infant child. Lone wolf makes the child a warrior as well and vows to kil the shogun. And this is the story of the film and the next four sequals which follow. Now I dont want to go any further into it because you have to see it for your self but this movie is AWESOME! with some amazing enemies like a gang of deadly geisha girls, many many wicker hat wearing warriors and ultimately the masters of death which are three bad ass wicker hat wearing nutters! Here's the trailer im trying to obtain the sequels at the moment