10 Nov 2011


Back in the early 80s a cartoon was released which served as more of a sales pitch for Mattel action figures. After the success of the Star Wars franchise He-Man and co were next in line to dominate the toy markets for almost an entire decade. A live action movie (which will be reviewed here at some point) was made and He Man fever was a global phenomenon. What was cool was how they made up new characters in the cartoon just for an excuse to make them as toys. 

The characters were colorful, the stories had good moral value (if not somewhat homo erotic at the same time) and the possibilities with the toys was endless. I had most of the figures and playsets not all of them I know some kids that did but it was hard going getting everything. So here are some of my favorite figures of all time.
Beast Man
Beast Man was Skeletors dumb ass side kick who used to just hang around a lot doing nothing apart from listening to Skeletors racist jokes! Dont believe me? check this out
Beast man was really cool for kidnapping the female action figures and holding tbem down while Grizzlor interfered with them. Beast Man stars in one of my favorite CKY sketches along with his master Skeletor check it out

Grizzlor was a member of the evil Horde who were the badass crew that even Skeletor was shit scared of. Grizzlor was just like a really ball of fur with fangs. He survived after going in the bath so this guy is a winner!

Blade was from the He man movie and was then made into an action figure. Blade was one of the coolest guys in the movie with his eye patch and double sword wielding skills he was a bad man. The action figure was cool as fuck with spinning action so his swords would tornado anyone out of the room. A top contender for lead bad guys in your action figure adventures. I turned him into a good guy once after seeing the error of his ways and he became allies with He Man. However this didnt last long after he found out Greyskull wasnt as cool as the Snake mountain or hordes playset so he went back to being a cunt!
Hordak was like the main bad guy from Masters of the Universe. He kicked Skeletor out of the horde and Skeletor was just his bitch (just a small fact that many people didnt know) and they used him more in the She Ra series than they did He Man. She Ra should never have fucked with the horde she would have got raped and all kinds of fucked up coz shit these guys wernt playing around they meant business!
Buzz off was a cool figure to have and had moveable wings. I always thought it was strange that he was a good guy just look at him he looks like a baddie. I know I will get people saying that Bee's are misunderstood good guys of nature kinda like great white Sharks and Zebras, but I dont eat Honey, I hate flowers and I got stung by a Bee once so fuck them they are cunts!
This was the Skeletor I had as a kid as I never had the normal one. Skeletor comes complete with battle armor which has a dragon water pistol attached. I used to squirt it at He Man and he would just be like "a water pistol? fuck off!" and then bash Skeletors brains in. Skeletor when you think about it was a really toss bad guy. Nothing he ever did ever worked yet no one questioned his leadership so he's kind of like John Terry in his role as England captain!
Here with a man called Fisto... whether hes gay, straight or swings both ways that iron fist is gunna hurt more than a pineapple. His arm would punch if you pulled it back. But Fisto? really? no other names Mattel? what next rim job? 
Ah yes the main man himself! The thing that has always bugged me (well amused me more) is that in the cartoon He Man was ginger.
SEE these locks are more orange than Beast Mans nut sack!

Yet the action figures and comics made He Man blonde. You can kind of see what happened there though. Mattel marketing meeting someone brings in the prototype He Man figure and one half a second later the other company bigwigs are saying "ITS GINGER! REPAINT IT!" " HOW WILL WE SELL THAT WITH GINGER FUCKING HAIR" so thats why I think He Man got a blonde make over. 
Prince Adam! He Mans secret identity.. even though He looks the fucking same as He Man and is still a brick shit house. Not even a pair of glasses or a mask nope just looks the exact fucking same but with a white jumper. Maybe the people of Eternia are complete spastics or that its such a good disguise that it actually works. I will try robbing the off license at some point dressed like it and see how I get on.
Moss Man is a cool figure and has a furry body. He looks really immense even if his get up is he is a damp  garage roof! The moss on my moss man didnt survive the bath so thumbs down fucker!
Now this is one cool as fuck guy. Looks like a young evil Mr Miyagi and just looks badass as fuck. Unlike Fisto Jitsu didnt have a sketchy iron fist no no he had a gold hand with karate chop action. Jitsu is a badman!
Leech is about right because this figure sucked literally! It had a rubber suction face with a button on the back and when pressed up against a flat surface like a window it would stick to it. It had hand suckers also but pretty pointless just a gimmicky toy from when the line was drawing to an end and they were just releasing anything as they were running out of ideas. This toy is ideal to give your self love bites with and then go round boasting to everyone you have a real life girlfriend with a head and everything!
Man E Faces was a figure that had a face you could rotate round and why would you want to do that? because it was kinda fun! this was one you could turn into good guy and bad guy all the time. He was the most mentally unstable of my figures with which side he was on it got ridiculous by the end no one wanted to hang out with him by the finish!
Megator was a giant figure that was like 4 times the size of the rest and bigger than castle Greyskull. This is like the Holy grail of He Man figures and is ultra rare. I was fortunate enough to have this but by the time I had it Masters of the Universe was out and Turtles was in so it didnt get played with much. I never knew what happened to it which makes me mad because these go for absolute fortunes on ebay.
Mer Man was one of Skeletors more colorful sidekicks who used to spy on people from lakes. He told Teela she was adopted in one episode the guy is funny as fuck! 
Rio blast was a country and Western type guy (yes I guess there is a scene for that shit in Eternia to sadly) who really looks like Jesse Ventura from Running Man
and Rio Blast then became Captain Freedom!

While I am on the subject Jesse Ventura also looked a lot like fisto in that movie as well! Brilliant!

Scare Glow was a rare mail away figure which made a good contender for top guy if you questioned Skeletors place on the throne. He glows in the dark and in the 80's anything that glows or was of the hologram nature immediately becomes cool. It was the rules back then!
Spikor had a retractable fork thing and was covered in Spikes (maybe thats how he got his extremely creative nickname?) so he was really dangerous. This meant he must have been a hit with the ladies as women love danger and a man covered in Spikes must make them go weak at the knees and if he has got a few quid then well.. its a promise!
Stratos was one of He Mans cool buddies who could fly and had a grey beard which covered his entire body. Nuff said!
I cant remember his back story but this figure ruled. It had spinning helicopter like action and had an awesome motion sticker on his chest. Up there with the top boys for me!
Titus was another giant figure but he was one of the good guys. Extremely rare and valuable with real hair.
Webstor was one of Skeletors mates who liked nicking stuff and spying on people. He had Spider powers and was a complete cock. Was cool to let your other figures beat on though!
"Me as child playing with Masters of the Universe and Thundercats stuff"

So that brings this article to an end I hope you enjoyed it and it brought back some good memories or that you learned something. I will be back soon with more nostalgic bullshit for you to enjoy including a review of the movie.