I recently read an article about how Nigeria is the fastest evolving nation of film makers. So today I decided to give one of their films a go as I am a fan of world cinema. So I tuned into Mr Ibu in London which is meant to be a comedy classic of the Nigerian contribution to the world of film. Seeing as I had to sit through the whole thing I am going to make you do the same.
Straight away I start to giggle at this copyright notice. Who the fuck in their right mind would make bootleg copies of this film? is there even a market for Mr Ibu pirate movies? You could say "yes the black market" but thats a racist gag straight away without it even meaning to be.
So the opening credits roll which has dodgy shots of Tower Bridge, Beg Ben, the London Eye and random housing estates. The music is the same you would get if you pressed the demo button on a shit keyboard.
So the movie begins with our hero and to be honest complete fucking oxygen thief/moron Mr Ibu. Mr Ibu has other films out as well so people in Nigeria must think he's a right laugh or something.
This is Mr Ibu's house and I am not being a snob but its a fucking shit hole. Once inside its not as bad as it looks from the outside but still. Mr Ibu puts on a shirt, brushes his hair and puts on some aftershave. While this is happening another shit keyboard loop is played and will be for the next half hour or so.
Mr Ibu grabs an envelope from under a bag and says "EH SANTA" I do not know what the fuck this means. Did Father Christmas leave it there for him or is that some kind of expression?
Mr Ibu very smug with him self leaves his room while pulling a face like Eddie Murphy when Eddie Murphy is pulling a face like Bill Cosby in Raw.
Mr Ibu bumps into one of his pals in the street some bald Nigerian guy who is either wearing a robe or some giant T Shirt. During this scene the bald guy shouts so much and his accent is so thick I cant tell wether he is talking in English or Nigerian and Mr Ibu is hard to understand also. I wont moan about this as I am an English person watching a Nigerian film but some subtitles would be helpful. I came to my own conclusion that they were talking about if it would be possible to one day put a shark in a fish tank.
The man continues to shout and feels very passionate about the subject in hand. They say their goodbyes and Mr Ibu is on his way. For this section of the film it was the first time I regretted having proper loud surround sound as the mans voice destroys your ears worse than that Napalm Death album that has like 40 tracks and is only 20 minutes long.
Then we are introduced to some hookers. I say they are hookers because they look like slags and are on the street corner. Mr Ibu approaches the one wearing black and starts chatting her up.
The one in red looks about as impressed as someone commuting on the central line witnessing another passenger taking a shit in front of them on the carriage.
The one in black tells Ibu that her boyfriend will be there any second and to basically fuck off. Mr Ibu as you will learn through the course of this film is really thick. He still persists in trying to groom these ho's.
Oh no big trouble her boyfriends here. I dont know if thats a bloodstain on the side of the car or a stripe. Judging from the type of area and the kind guys in the car I'd go with a blood stain. They are busting out 50 Cents in the Club as well.
The wannabe gangsta boyfriend steps out of the ride and starts shouting "SAY HOOO" and starts harping on about repping for the United States. What a cock!
He then punks out Mr Ibu for messing with his ho's and Mr Ibu shits a brick. The crew then leave Mr Ibu alone with his pride slightly dented and his underpants slightly soiled.
With the ghastly group gone Mr Ibu stands against a wall rubbing his head pulling a weird face with his tongue out. He is so weird.
Then Mr Ibu's mate from earlier comes out of a bush and he saw the whole thing.
Like before I cant understand a word but I can tell that he is taking the piss out of Mr Ibu for getting punked out like a little bitch! After a back and fourth which is impossible to understand they part ways.
As Ibu walks off he is still taking the piss by the looks of things. See thats real friendship! A real mate will laugh at you when you get punked out by some guy in a blood stained Skoda.
Now Mr Ibu is down the pub with either the same friend or a different one. I am guessing its a different one because he has a different robe on. Its hard to tell though as this guy is bald as well and doesn't stop shouting in Nigerian either.
This mutha fucker is laying down the law and at this point I have no idea of what the hell is going on. This scene goes on for ages and I have no idea what they are talking about. I kinda guessed it might have been about planes or going to America or could have even been about how Mr Ibu can do a face like Eddie Murphy doing a face like Bill Cosby. And Eddie Murphy is in a movie called Coming to America. While I am on the subject thats why I picked this movie because I love coming to America and I thought this might be like the real deal. How wrong I was
Then we are at a shipping yard and Mr Ibu is lazing about like a slob as normal. He hides around the corner as he sees a man with a blue robe approaching. When the man comes closer Mr Ibu approaches him.
It turns out this man is Mr Ibu's boss and thank god this man speaks understandable English and kind of acts as a translator for Mr Ibu. It turns out Mr Ibu wants to retire today and wants his retirement money now. The boss tells him he is nothing but a slob who left his wife and kids and the place would be much better without him and storms off.
Old matey turns up out of nowhere again
He and Mr Ibu come up with some cunning plan but yet again I have no fucking idea what was said but they are both very happy with them selves and I am happy for them to be this happy.
The next thing we get the video of a ship sailing. So my only guess is Mr Ibu hid in a container and jumped the boarder. He could have bought a ticket with the envelope from the beginning I have no fucking idea.
The next thing you know its Big Ben and by the looks of things the fucking idiot has landed here in London because thats where ferries land you these days is in the River fucking Thames.
Just so you definitely know where he is they put London on text on the screen just avoid any confusion. And to top it off they have a lovely 30 second song which will loop in your head for the next six hours which goes
"Mr Ibu in London
you are welcome to London
Mr Ibu in London
you are welcome to London
Mr Ibu in London
you are welcome to London
Mr Ibu in London
you are welcome to London
It will annoy the fuck out of you more than ten screaming babies!
From there he ends up in some dodgy part of the docklands with two shifty looking blokes in a convertible car giving him the third degree.
Mr Ibu cautiously approaches the car and asks them if he is in America.
The one in the drivers seat tells him to fuck off in a thick South African accent. Look at him with his little white woolie hat and his pencil beard. What a cunt!
Ibu is all confused standing there with his Wheres Wally T shirt on. He is proper fucked now so he magically makes his way back to Tower Bridge where meet the most famous cast member of this movie.
Its David Blane in a box! Remember when he did this pointless stunt where he stayed in a glass box in the sky without food or water to the delight of no one? Well here it is documented in this powerful drama about some dickhead who got lost in London. While looking at Mr Blane Mr Ibu accidently bumps in another Nigerian man who is watching the box also. I am kind of guessing this is a family comedy, but when Ibu bumps into his fellow country man he is greeted with..
Yes when Ibu bumps into the Nigerian man the Nigerian man screams "FUCK" at the top of his lungs. This made me crease up so hard as it is just so unexpected to see F bombs getting dropped in family movies the BBFC would have made this an 18 if it were 1997! Anyway the man informs Mr Ibu that he is in fact in London and not in America. He takes Mr Ibu on a tour round the place.
The first part of the tour he teaches Mr Ibu how to line up and buy a cheeseburger. This but confused me as how comes Mr Ibu has British money? Fuck knows I am past caring.
The next port of call is a news agents. Now matey from earlier has vanished into thin air and now Mr Ibu is coming to terms with CCTV and is puzzled as to why he is appearing on the screen.
He just cant get it and does silly body movements just to make sure its really him on the monitor. He asks if they have the Punch which I gather is some kind of Nigerian newspaper and they say no.
He looks confused at all the newspapers and then fucks off outside.
Now Mr Ibu is wandering around and I dont have a clue where he is going and neither does he. Its here where he has another encounter.
This time its a dog that is confusing the hell out of the absolute moron. He stands there staring at it in awe until he asks the stupid question
"is it a sheep?"
No Mr Ibu its not a Sheep its a fucking dog you prick!
He then ends up walking about on some housing estate looking like some lurking rapist about to pounce when he sees some ugly fat bird he likes the look of.
He gets her going with a few lines about how the weather is cold here and would be no good for Nigeria.
Within seconds the fucking slag gives him her number which is 077985717538. So lads if your feeling a bit desperate just give her a call and talk about the weather and I'm sure she will give you a nosh or at least a quick wank for ya troubles. Mr Ibu forgets the number within minutes like the complete spaz he is.
Next Mr Ibu goes jay walking as he doesn't know how to cross the road because he is an idiot. As the movie progresses I hate this character more and more and also lose the will to live by the second.
We then get a shot of London with four days later in text. Now if they are going to try and tell us that this Nigerian man who hates the cold weather and is as dumb as fuck survived 4 nights sleeping rough in London that is even more ridiculous than... wait what am I doing why am I even trying to argue about realism with a movie about a man who got on a boat and doesn't know what a dog is?
Yep he roughed and not just that he magically changed into a Christmas jumper from that imaginary wardrobe he carries with him! While he is sitting there like he supposedly has for the last 4 days a smartly dressed black guy comes along who thinks he recognizes him.
Yep he surely knows him from somewhere but where?
Why of course its Mr Ibu the man who rescued him from falling in a gutter 15 years ago in Nigeria! What a small world! What a shit film!
He takes Mr Ibu away and tells him to come live at his house as its warm and has food! Mr Ibu has had a right fucking touch. I wanted the movie to end with Mr Ibus body floating in the wrong side of the Thames but oh well.
He brings Mr Ibu home and his Mrs well dont look happy about the random tramp he has brought home and rightly so. She calls him in the kitchen for a quick word.
During their absence Mr Ibu has a staring match with a fish in a tank.
The wife isnt happy about Mr Ibu tramping it up on their sofa as he is a complete stranger. She does have a massive point. But matey tells her that its only for a few months and that surprisingly wins her over and she agrees.
Back in the lounge matey explains to Mr Ibu that he can stay and no there isnt a Shark in his aquarium.
Mr Ibu gets up and says he is going for a piss outside! Matey explains that you cant piss in the street you will get arrested and to use the toilet. Mr Ibu asks if he has a bucket.
When Mr Ibu comes back into the room his clothes have magically changed yet again.
He starts to chill out and watch some TV. What makes me laugh is that he can use a TV but isn't toilet trained. Mind you I make him right I'd put TV before learning how to pooh like a civilized person. Mr Ibu spots something which sends him into a state of panic.
The fireplace fire! Being the plonker he is he goes into mass panic mode and thinks the house is gunna burn down. But not if he can save the day!
Mr Ibu rushes outside the house in search of a bucket
The woman of the house wants to know what the fuck is going down? Mr Ibu explains about the fire.
She calms him down and explains that there is no need for alarm as it is meant to be there. Mr Ibu is still not convinced so he goes upstairs.
He enters the husband and wife's boudoir and has a proper nose around but doesn't wank into her knickers, sniff her shoes or anything like that thank god.
He sees some crossbows on the wall and gets freaked out. To be fair I would as well.
Mr Ibu lays on their bed and messes with a remote control he thinks is for the TV.
As he presses the remote the bed starts to spin round and he gets freaked out yet again. This time its because he thinks the bed has been taken over by the spirit of someone called Mike.
The next scene matey is showing Mr Ibu Tower Bridge. He tells Mr Ibu that Tower Bridge can open and close.
Mr Ibu laughs and basically calls him a liar.
Then Tower Bridge opens! This is probably the most exciting part of the whole movie!
Mr Ibu looks on in amazement and is no more confused than he was 5 minutes ago.
Next up the London Eye and Mr Ibu is paranoid its going to eat him.
Matey reassures him that the London Eye wont eat and talks Mr Ibu to take a spin.
While on the London Eye Mr Ibu refuses to stand up as it is full of white people!
After the London Eye Mr Ibu is introduced to mateys mate called Tony. Tony can get Mr Ibu some work but Mr Ibu is being a prick about it as usual and is refusing to give his name to Tony and is being all aggy.
They continue to argue and then this happens
Yup the movie ends without telling you what happens to Mr Ibu but you can kinda guess he either works as an illegal mini cab driver or he is a freshen up guy at some shit night club in London somewhere
So thats Mr Ibu goes to London now the other week I said Hells Angels on Wheels is the shittest film ever well its not. This is the shittest film I have ever seen! There are no redeeming values of this film! Its not funny, its not entertaining, the sound is awful, the music is shit, the continuity is terrible and unless you want to watch this movie to point out its flaws and take the piss out of it there is no other point.
Fuck Mr Ibu