27 Apr 2012

TELEVISION: MR T THE CARTOON: MYSTERY OF THE SILVER SWAN


So in the 80's Mr T was so immense that he deserved his own cartoon. Now when you think of Mr T you immediately think of the A-Team. You would also think that with the success of the show that popular, maybe a spin off cartoon would be a great thing to do to tie in with all their toy lines (kinda like they did with Rambo), but no we got a Mister T cartoon where he teams up with.. gymnasts?

Not just any gymnasts no.. but really shitly animated gymnasts. If thats not enough throw in a random annoying ginger kid and a dog with a mohawk just for good measure. We had the A-Team so I guess these guys are the "GAY Team".


So the episode begins just like every episode does with the real life Mr T talking some jibba jabba. I noticed that every episode these scenes are always filmed in school gymnasiums or outside of a school. Either Mr T is a big fan of high school sports or something even more sinister might be at hand..

Anyway Mr T explains that there are cars and there are "classics" and the Silver Swan is a classic. He goes on about something else that sounds cool but makes no sense.


So the beginning of the episode starts with a massive fuck off bus. Now surely there isn't fifty of these characters to necessitate having a 57 seat coach? Surely a mini van would suffice? why am I even trying to find logic in a cartoon where Mr T hangs around with gay gymnasts?


OK so the bitch driving the bus is asking the dog which fucking way she should be going, and is not even looking at the road! Is this what things were like before sat nav was invented? Its idiots like this that give women drivers a bad name.

 BANG!

And surprise surprise the stupid bitch slams into a classic car which must be the very same car Mr T was talking of earlier. I pity the fool who drives buses into classic cars whilst taking directions from a dog. She gets out of the bus to take down the car owners details but they just fuck off into the night.


Meanwhile back at the gymnasium Mr T is bossing loads of gymnasts around. I just figured out something! Is he training them up so they can go on to the Olympic games and win a gold medal? And once they win that gold, they can then give it to Mr T to melt down and make himself a gold dick ring or something? Just a wild guess but it makes more sense than anything else in this fucking show.


The woman driver of the year turns up and explains that she has just rammed a bus into a classic car. One of the gymnasts immediately identifies this car as being the Silver Swan. He also talks about some car show museum which I am sure will be related to the plot at some point.


So they end up at the car museum and a gay security guard with a gay little bow tie lets them in because Mr T got all aggy with him.


Once inside the car is there and no dents or visible damage are evident. Hmmm I wonder if this car is a fake? Either way this bitch should just drop it or maybe she just loves having high car insurance? You have just crashed a fucking bus into "the rarest car in the world" and your'e asking for his details?.. you fucking idiot. I hope she does find the other driver and they do her for whiplash, amnesia and the full works. Serves her right driving a massive fucking bus (that they don't even need!) and not looking where she is going.


The museum curator comes in and explains the car has never left the museum and politely tells her and the rest of this freak show to fuck off.


On the way out the black kid notices that the car is in fact a fake because of initials not being on the left wing of the car. He is pretty clued up for someone who does cartwheels all day for no reason.


Meanwhile a sinister silhouette lurks in the background. I can't tell if it is the gay security guard or the museum owner? Oh I see what's going on here! they think just because there is a dog on the show they can try to Scooby Doo us. They can fuck off!


While trespassing in another part of the museum the teens stumble upon this used car dealership calender. I love the cheek of people in these programs when they think they have the right to go snooping through other peoples shit as if they have some god given right? I hope someone comes in and pushes a stack of car wheels on them or something.


Oh yes get the nosey shit bags! I was having a wild guess as well.


DAMN! Thanks to their great gymnastic skills they both evade the falling car tyres with badly animated flips. The black kid boasts to the girl how had practiced that move before. Looks like these kids just go around causing chaos in car shops a lot by the looks of things.


Meanwhile back on the bus.. actually before I start even though they have made the inside of the bus smaller, and there are STILL loads of empty seats.. just sayin. Anyway they are discussing how they are going to foil the plot of the Silver Swan.


However the baddies wait in the hills with a TNT detonator. I hope when they blow the bus up it does a flip like all the cars did in the A-Team. I love the A-Team.. this show sucks balls.. hairy ones at that.


When the explosives detonate there is an avalanche of rocks and Mr T crashes the bus into a tree when swerving to avoid the carnage.


Mr T tells all the other cock munchers to put their hands on the heads while the avalanche comes crashing down on the bus. Like that is going to stop rocks from killing you. Thats like putting a duvet over your head when someone is trying to abuse you as a child. Its not going to stop anything really is it?


Back on board the bus which has been covered with rocks everything is just fine? No broken windows, no signs of gore and death. What the fuck was that mountain made of? Scatter cushions? Mr T has a plan to get out of this whole dilemma.


With his brute strength and bad attitude Mr T smashes a window and pushes a boulder away making room for everyone to escape. I am glad he done that because I was starting to think that this was "the wanky bus gymnasts" show. After much talking of bollocks as usual the group decides to split this investigation up. One group will follow an oil track from the original car accident and the other will inform Mr Kingston (the museum owner) about the car theft.


Two of the kids go to the mansion the next day and are politely told to go away but as usual they just fucking break in anyway. What's up with these kids anyway? They just use their acrobatic skills to trespass and burgle people? Is this the message Mr T wanted to put out there? I hope this kid gets shot by an eccentric old man who thinks he is a no good pikey!


The two teens get caught in a rope trap and end up hanging from a tree. Best place for them if you ask me. If they survive this ordeal and still end up still winning a gymnastics competition at the end of this episode I will scream.


Just as the teens manage to untie themselves a pack of wild cougars come pouncing towards them. This is going to be great I cant wait to see the demise (and entrails) of these douchebag, burgling, do gooders!


No dice the eccentric old man comes out of his home and stops the cats from tearing the kids limb from limb. He also refers to them as his "guard dogs".. they are large cats you penis!. They tell him about the whole Silver Swan caper and he takes it all in and lets them go. He also really looks like Jitsu from He Man.


Meanwhile the oil trail leads to an abandoned saw mill. But on closer investigation the saw mill is actually a front for an auto parts shop. Now I would fucking love it if they found the Silver Swan and its driver, gave them a lecture about driving off after the scene of the accident and then exchanging insurance details with them.


 While they all solve the mystery of this car rigging scheme someone smashes the supporting structure from underneath. I am guessing it's one of the TV executives trying to put an end to this bullshit with the hammer.


They all end up being whisked away by conveniently placed river rapid underneath. And good riddance to!


Mr T is first out of the drink and rescues everyone with a big stick, thus stamping out the rumor that black guys cant swim once and for all.


Everyone regroups at a conveniently placed burger joint next to rapid river. While feeding cheeseburgers to the dog they all discuss who they think is the ring leader in this whole Silver Swan escapade. I also love how not only does this program endorse trespassing but it endorses the eating of junk food for athletes and also feeding cheeseburgers to dogs. So if some kid pole vaulted over your fence to feed your dog a Big Mac in the 80's, then they probably had just watched this show.


Just as they are chomping down the Silver Swan comes speeding past. Without hesitation the team chase after it. It just so happens that badly animated cartwheels are not the only powers these kids possess. They can run faster than speeding cars now also. Mr T catches up to the car and makes it stop.


Oh look its the security guard from the museum.. what a fucking surprise! Anyway he explains he is just taking the old girl for its weekly run. The douchebags are not convinced and still think something is up. By now any normal person after being blown up in a bus, chased by wild cats and nearly drowned would just leave it be and go back home. Not these lot though. I wonder if they are always this paranoid all the time?


When they look across the street they see the car go into "Fast Eddie's Used Cars" and decide they are going to rumble this operation once and for all. Mr T comes up with the idea to try buying a used car. This is probably Mr T's most intelligent act of the day. So far he has pushed a rock away, saved some kids from drowning and fed a cheese burger to a dog.


OK so immediately after Mr T's plan, a limousine arrives from out of nowhere with everyone in disguise. Apart from Mr T of course which kinda completely pisses all over the disguise idea really. They could have stealth camouflage equipped but as long as you have a massive black dude, covered in gold and sporting a fucking mohawk to top it off.. you're going to get rumbled. If this plan works this show is more fucking stupid than I thought it was 10 minutes ago.


On the forecourt at Fast Eddie's Mr T kicks some cars and then roughs the poor car dealer up until he is offered a "one of a kind car".


The plan worked and Mr T is back in the car with the kids. Now this is more like it, a suitably sized car car for the amount of people on board. I am not one for "saving the planet" or "petrol consumption is so awful etc" but having a massive 50 seat bus when there are only 7 people on board is a bit stupid. Anyway Mr T is coming back later on to complete the plan in which they are going to tape record the car deal. This is fucking stupid Mr T is a man known for kicking down doors and owning dudes through breakable prop furniture and now he is wearing a fucking wire? This is bullshit!


Back in Fast Eddies office the museum guy is being all evil and snaps a pencil. You're Ard'!


At nightfall when Mr T arrives he is jumped from behind and tied up. Looks like Mr T is gonna get his arse handed to him. This is going to be like Wrestlemania 2 all over again!


Mr T then falls victim to a brutal sexual assault on the forecourt of the car show room. He is then tied up and then prays for Bruce Willis to arrive and save him with a Samurai sword.


After the ordeal Mr T is then bundled into a car by his attacker. I love the fact Mr T can push giant boulders away from buses but pencil snapping museum guys seem to be somewhat of an Achilles heel.


The children sit and listen in horror as they hear their idol get anally molested in the back of a car. Mr T must be thinking this was the worst day ever to wear a tape recorder on your person.


The kids try to pursue the car holding Mr T captive but the stupid girl forgot to fill the car up with petrol and they are left stranded. She takes it like a bitch when the others tell her off for being so selfish. Speaking of taking it like a bitch they can hear on the tape player where he is being held captive. They better get there before some guy called "Z" turns up.


Back to Mr T and his captors. It turns out that (surprise surprise) every character was involved in this car rigging scheme. Like always in these situations the bad guys will have to spill their souls and confess to everything they have been accused of.


With that the kids burst in for the rescue donning scuba diving gear. The pervy museum man gets a quick squeeze of one of the lads testicles just before he goes down for good.


The kids disperse of the baddies one by one and Mr T gets Fast Eddie on the floor and is about to get some revenge for the buggery he received earlier on. He then remembers he is on tape so he cuts it off for the time being and has his wicked way.


Once he has finished scarring Fast Eddie for life, Mr T then has a boat chase with the old man who owns the museum.


Mr T catches the old mans boat and jumps aboard. He then smashes his fucking face in Rocky III style.


After all that you wont believe what happens.. they win the fucking gymnastics. They also discuss the whole case yet again and gloat about being right and how great it is to in the right. So some guy was making copies of his own car to sell to people because times were hard. So Mr T and his great pals decided this shouldn't be allowed and ruined the whole operation. Well done guys we can all sleep better at night knowing you stopped that guy from making money. 


The episode concludes with Mr T giving a lecture about being a member of a team and a load of other complete bollocks.

Now before this article gets out there I want to make a few things clear.

1. Mr T was not anally molested in this episode.

The reason I put that part in the story was to spice it up as I was getting so bored of writing about this episode. With those suggestible screen captures it had to be done I am sorry. I thought by giving this episode a Pulp Fiction rape scene was really necessary. Back in the day I had a website on geocities and in one of the sketches Mr T bum raped one of my mates and a legion of Mr T fans got up in arms about it. So if that happens again.. Fuck off and get a life.

2. Mr T really did feed a cheeseburger to a dog.


3. I hope you enjoyed reading this post and stay tuned for more sucka's

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