24 Jan 2012

JUNK FOOD: SMITHS TUBES

Back in the 1980's and early 1990's junk food was rife and times were good. There was no Jamie Oliver policing kids pack lunches, no one was being all pussy about e numbers and the only things that people thought were deadly were smoking fags and being hit by buses.

During this golden age of Marathon Bars, Monster Munch and when Space Raiders had the amazing comic book packaging (which looked like a transvestite David Bowie having a space quest) there were Smiths Tubes.

Smiths Tubes came in two flavors which were ready salted and salt and vinegar. They were kind of like longer versions of Hula Hoops but not as hard and had the same texture as the Smiths Squares crisps.

Tubes were awesome and when Pepsico bought out Smiths and eventually Walkers, the Tubes sadly never survived the transaction which was a shame. The bacon flavored Monster Munch were also whacked and so were the Beef ones until a few years ago.
All that remains of the Smiths Tubes is this scanned empty packet. RIP!

22 Jan 2012

TOYS: SUBBUTEO STADIUMS

Long before FIFA was any good Subbuteo was the closest thing you could get to playing a fictional game of football at home.

The game it self did not play as well as expected though and it did seem a bit stupid that the ball was bigger than the football players. I did not care though as I scrapped the rule book and played by my own set of rules which made it actually playable.

The thing I loved most about Subbutio was the accessories you could buy just about everything from camera men, referees, lines man, giant score boards, a commentators tower and the stadium stands.

It was an expensive hobby and the stadium I built was 75% custom made as to build the stadium and fill it to full capacity cost an absolute fortune.

As I stated in previous article my stadium unfortunately burned to the ground after fans of the Red Team were somewhat upset about the referees decision to disallow a goal so they rioted and the rest history.. well melted plastic but the shocking scenes still live with me to this day. Its such a shame when the beautiful game turns ugly when these hooligans cant behave them selves and spoil the fun for everyone else.

Anyway I had a look online today and check out these great efforts that other people have done with their Subbutio stadiums.
This was the old school one I dreamed of having. Its a good job I did not get it after the incident with my custom one.
Look at the little fences keeping the little nutters from doing a pitch invasion! Something I should have thought of!
This is a new school pitch apparently it looks pretty awesome.
This one here is by far the best effort I have ever seen!

15 Jan 2012

CLOTHING: MICHAEL JACKSON LA GEAR


At the beginning of the 1990s the LA Gear trainers were cool as fuck. Everybody had them and everybody remembers them. Although they were a must have item they fizzled out just as fast as they flew off the shelves and within a matter of months kids would not be seen dead in them.

I had the misfortune of owning a pair of LA Gears but not just any pair... the Michael Jackson pair! With Moonwalker still being fresh a pair of LA Gear trainers were released to cash in.

They looked like something a dominatrix should be wearing and not a seven year old boy but maybe that was Jacksons sick dream to have little boys all over the globe covered in studs and black leather. They were the most hideous trainers ever and if you kicked a football with these you would more than likely make it explode.

Not only did LA Gears go out of fashion but it emerged that Michael Jackson liked sucking off nine year old boys! Great so not only did I have the most hideous footwear ever known to man but they were also endorsed by the worlds most prolific child molester. All I can say one good thing came out of having these shoes was I learned how to fight because of them because if you didnt you were gunna get a beating every day from the bigger kids with the Air Jordans!

Heres the commercial

13 Jan 2012

MUSIC VIDEO: ALICE COOPER THE MAN BEHIND THE MASK

So today is Friday the 13th so its officially Jason Voorhees day here at Lost Entertainment. As I will be spending my entire day watching Hollywoods favorite hockey mask wearing machete welding freak chop up  the innocent campers of Camp Crystal Lake (and maybe Manhattan  if I havent lost the will to live by then) I wont be posting much today.

If I said to you Alice Cooper and Jason Voorhees together in a music video you would think of something epic like what Dokken did with Freddy Krueger... but it is epically bad unfortunately. Yes this is possibly the worst Alice Cooper song ever made and the lyrics are so bad it is hard to believe this is Alice cooper. Anyway even though the song is pants the video is still pretty cool and just what you would expect from a video with Jason Voorhees and Alice cooper its all hockey masks and snakes!

12 Jan 2012

TOYS: KELLOGGS EURO 96 MINI VIRTUAL FOOTBALL SCREENS

1996 Was a great year and the Euro 96 competition held in England 30 years after they won the World Cup was one of the biggest things about it. Elsewhere Oasis were conquering the world, the Spice Girls where going viral and aliens were blowing up the White House but Euro 96 was my fondest part of that year.

It was meant to be! we had the best squad since Italia 90, Frank Skinner gave as great anthem to blast out and we was at home how could we lose? Well when you put a stupid little fuck muppet called Gareth Southgate in the mix then thats all it takes to turn any dream into a full on nightmare.

Even though we went out it was still an amazing time to be a football fan and I have never felt the same sense of passion for our national side ever since. You could argue and say France 98 but we all knew deep down we would never have won that but Euro 96 we had a good fighting chance.

During all the football festivities the marketing went mad. Everywhere was England this England that and some brilliant products emerged. The Corrinthian mini football players were all the rage and were going through the roof but another toy came out which everyone was swapping at school and this toy came free in a cereal box. This toy was the mini Virtual Euro 96 monitor take a look



These were motion activated bits of card in a frame that did a one second animation of a football player.. playing football. There were a few to collect and I remember having them all. I was keen into Subeteo at the time but I didnt play the game (as it was not that fun) but I enjoyed building the stadium with all the accessories and these monitors served as big screen monitors for my football ground. If I remember correctly there was a riot and the stadium caught fire around 1997 when I was bored one day and found a can of Lynx and some matches.

If you sent off a thing to Kelloggs they would send you a massive collectors kit to put all your screens in. I never had this and I lost all of mine years ago. Does anyone still have theirs?

TELEVISION: WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THE RENFORD REJECTS?

Today I write this article as I am tucked up ill in bed as I have caught some infection which is going around at the moment but I havent got the taste for human flesh or brains yet so I should be ok.

It takes me back to being younger when I would be off school for a legitimate illness and not just bunking off in general which I used to do.. a lot. It took me back to 1998 when I was off school with some virus and the only thing I could do was watch Sky TV from the sofa.

Back then UK Nickelodeon was in full force bringing us really good TV aimed for cool kids. It had the best cartoons and the best sitcoms marketed for pre teens and teenagers. Now Nickelodeon is utter tripe and none of the shows will ever hold a candle to the likes of Keenan and Kel, Pete and Pete, Doug, Aaah Real Monsters and hell even Sister Sister, Sabrina and Clarrissa were good shows now I think of it. Back then I would actually enjoy being ill just so I had could lay there and watch Nickelodeon all day.

In 1998 they brought out a UK made program called the Renford Rejects about a shit five a side football team which was a big hit at the time and it aired from 1998 to 2001. Today as I sit here ill with no Nickelodeon to watch I thought to my self "Where are the Renford Rejects now?" well lets find out.
ROBIN
The Renford Rejects star female player was Robin. She would not play for the ladies team as she was too good and even better than most of the boys apparently! Robin was played by Holly Davidson who is the younger sister of British actress (and Jude Laws ex wife) Sadie Frost. Holly went on to do some British shows like the Bill and Casualty which are pretty standard shows for upcoming stars to make passage through in the UK. She was in the movie Final Cut alongside her sister Sadie which is a really great British movie which I will have to review on here at a later point. She was also in Van wilder 2 and Essex Boys the rubbish film about blokes getting shot in Range Rovers and she plays a bird who dies of an overdose and you get to see her arse. She now works as a personal trainer  and her number is 07816761771 I shit you not. Ring her up and challenge her for a kick up contest I am sure she will love that!
VINNIE RODRIGUES
Vinnie Rodrigues was the sports journalist who follwed the Rejects around with his video camera. He looked like Roger from Sister Sister maybe thats what got him the role!. The actor who played him Roger Davies kept it real and got work on the Bill like everyone else does and was a regular character in the shit Channel 5 soap family affairs alongside one of his Renford Rejects co stars who I will get to in a moment. He was recently in a TV show called hounded which I have never heard of or seen so I cant comment on wether its good or shit.
RAJVINDA "RONNIE" SUPRA
The Rejects resident Indian kid who played the beautiful game with shades on. Played by Adam Dean who went on to do an episode of the Bill and Doctors and that was all for him and his acting career. Saying he got benched or relegated from the world of TV would be a more relevant and appropriate way of putting things I guess.
JASON SUMMERBEE
Jason Summerbee was like a young Danny Dyer in the sense that he was a one dimensional cockney who was really annoying. What annoyed me the most about him was the fact he was this overbearing cockney but he was always running around in Hull football shirt which is Northern. I fucking hated kids at school who supported random football teams from up North just to be different. There was one kid in my year at school who supported Newcastle for no reason what so ever and he was a proper cock. The actor who played him Martin Delaney went on to do Family Affairs and was nominated for a soap award. He made three movies in Iceland and co wrote the Kevin Bishop show...
STEWART JACKSON
Stewart Jackson was the teams manager who was an amazing football player who was sidelined due to injury. Stewart was always sporting a Chelsea shirt which I don't mind because at least he supported them when they were shit. Stewart was played by Matthew Leitch who went on to much bigger and better things after this show (which really isnt that hard to do). He went on to have a role in the awesome Band of Brothers and had a small part in The Dark Knight.
BARRY "BRUNO" GRADE
Bruno was an English kid who pretended he was Italian and from Inter Milan. He was one of my favorite characters in the show as I like him in the same way I like Santino Morrella in WWE. He was played by Paul Parris and by the looks of things Paul was a child actor and had done stuff like Grange Hill before this show and the Renford Rejects was his swan song. He now lives in Jersey with his wife and kids and runs a drama school.
BEN PHILLIPS
Ben was the poetry loving geeky goal keeper of the team and was played by Charlie Rolland. The Rejects was the first and last acting work Charlie ever done and he is the only one I couldn't find out where he is or what he is doing. I can live with that to be fair

7 Jan 2012

MUSIC: PROJECT OVERKILL WITH KRISTIAN RODRIGUEZ

I didnt know that this would be my last show until five minutes before I hit the decks. As I was going over the set list and show notes one last time before I went on air I just decided its over. I screwed the whole lot up and just decided fuck the plans I am just gunna have a good time and go out with a blast playing my favourite metal tracks of all time instead of what I had on the set list. I also decided to play the best of the London bands that reached out to me on the last show I was doing with Squid.

I leave doing my rock show with no regrets and on a happy note instead of a bitter worn down and fed up one. The way I look at it is that I started something from my home standing up for something that I believed in. I reached out to thousands of people across the world, got to play some awesome gigs and made/met many great friends along the way. 

My shows never went mainstream and I liked it that way. All I wanted to do was make a kick ass show which was an alternative to the other bullshit that is on the airwaves for my friends to listen to and anyone else who felt the same as I do about good metal music.

I dont give a fuck about any negative comments people will have to say about the show, my work and me ending the show. At the end of the day what have they ever done with their lives apart from sit behind a computer screen while they compile that list of people they hate under their Marilyn Manson poster!

I would like to thank the following bands/artists for reaching out to me and letting me play your tracks on air and they are:

Dave Laverty and all the guys from Resonator
Dave Christmas and F.S.I
Phil Roadkill and Generation Graveyeard
Michael Payne
Nick and the boys from Sonic Mass
Saggs and the boys from Self Loathing
Josh and Our people versus yours
Throne of Vengeance
Jimmy and Knockturn Alley
and last but not least
Lance Barrington of Valpurgis Night/Tilt for the amazing riffage, great times and for putting up with Steven!

I would also like thank all of YOU for listening and supporting me and my efforts over the last couple of years. I love you all!

As I tore up the plans I had for this show I hardly have anything to say apart from plugging bands so I just let the music do the talking. Sorry for any skipping this was due to the show being streamed live and was out of my control.

Thanks again

6 Jan 2012

MOVIES: MR IBU IN LONDON


I recently read an article about how Nigeria is the fastest evolving nation of film makers. So today I decided to give one of their films a go as I am a fan of world cinema. So I tuned into Mr Ibu in London which is meant to be a comedy classic of the Nigerian contribution to the world of film. Seeing as I had to sit through the whole thing I am going to make you do the same.

Straight away I start to giggle at this copyright notice. Who the fuck in their right mind would make bootleg copies of this film? is there even a market for Mr Ibu pirate movies? You could say "yes the black market" but thats a racist gag straight away without it even meaning to be.
So the opening credits roll which has dodgy shots of Tower Bridge, Beg Ben, the London Eye and random housing estates. The music is the same you would get if you pressed the demo button on a shit keyboard.
So the movie begins with our hero and to be honest complete fucking oxygen thief/moron Mr Ibu. Mr Ibu has other films out as well so people in Nigeria must think he's a right laugh or something.
This is Mr Ibu's house and I am not being a snob but its a fucking shit hole. Once inside its not as bad as it looks from the outside but still. Mr Ibu puts on a shirt, brushes his hair and puts on some aftershave. While this is happening another shit keyboard loop is played and will be for the next half hour or so.
Mr Ibu grabs an envelope from under a bag and says "EH SANTA" I do not know what the fuck this means. Did Father Christmas leave it there for him or is that some kind of expression?
Mr Ibu very smug with him self leaves his room while pulling a face like Eddie Murphy when Eddie Murphy is pulling a face like Bill Cosby in Raw.
Mr Ibu bumps into one of his pals in the street some bald Nigerian guy who is either wearing a robe or some giant T Shirt. During this scene the bald guy shouts so much and his accent is so thick I cant tell wether he is talking in English or Nigerian and Mr Ibu is hard to understand also. I wont moan about this as I am an English person watching a Nigerian film but some subtitles would be helpful. I came to my own conclusion that they were talking about if it would be possible to one day put a shark in a fish tank.
The man continues to shout and feels very passionate about the subject in hand. They say their goodbyes and Mr Ibu is on his way. For this section of the film it was the first time I regretted having proper loud surround sound as the mans voice destroys your ears worse than that Napalm Death album that has like 40 tracks and is only 20 minutes long.
Then we are introduced to some hookers. I say they are hookers because they look like slags and are on the street corner. Mr Ibu approaches the one wearing black and starts chatting her up.
The one in red looks about as impressed as someone commuting on the central line witnessing another passenger taking a shit in front of them on the carriage.
The one in black tells Ibu that her boyfriend will be there any second and to basically fuck off. Mr Ibu as you will learn through the course of this film is really thick. He still persists in trying to groom these ho's.
Oh no big trouble her boyfriends here. I dont know if thats a bloodstain on the side of the car or a stripe. Judging from the type of area and the kind guys in the car I'd go with a blood stain. They are busting out 50 Cents in the Club as well.
The wannabe gangsta boyfriend steps out of the ride and starts shouting "SAY HOOO" and starts harping on about repping for the United States. What a cock!
 He then punks out Mr Ibu for messing with his ho's and Mr Ibu shits a brick. The crew then leave Mr Ibu alone with his pride slightly dented and his underpants slightly soiled.
With the ghastly group gone Mr Ibu stands against a wall rubbing his head pulling a weird face with his tongue out. He is so weird.
Then Mr Ibu's mate from earlier comes out of a bush and he saw the whole thing.
Like before I cant understand a word but I can tell that he is taking the piss out of Mr Ibu for getting punked out like a little bitch! After a back and fourth which is impossible to understand they part ways.
As Ibu walks off he is still taking the piss by the looks of things. See thats real friendship! A real mate will laugh at you when you get punked out by some guy in a blood stained Skoda. 
Now Mr Ibu is down the pub with either the same friend or a different one. I am guessing its a different one because he has a different robe on. Its hard to tell though as this guy is bald as well and doesn't stop shouting in Nigerian either.
This mutha fucker is laying down the law and at this point I have no idea of what the hell is going on. This scene goes on for ages and I have no idea what they are talking about. I kinda guessed it might have been about planes or going to America or could have even been about how Mr Ibu can do a face like Eddie Murphy doing a face like Bill Cosby. And Eddie Murphy is in a movie called Coming to America. While I am on the subject thats why I picked this movie because I love coming to America and I thought this might be like the real deal. How wrong I was
Then we are at a shipping yard and Mr Ibu is lazing about like a slob as normal. He hides around the corner as he sees a man with a blue robe approaching. When the man comes closer Mr Ibu approaches him.
It turns out this man is Mr Ibu's boss and thank god this man speaks understandable English and kind of acts as a translator for Mr Ibu. It turns out Mr Ibu wants to retire today and wants his retirement money now. The boss tells him he is nothing but a slob who left his wife and kids and the place would be much better without him and storms off.
Old matey turns up out of nowhere again
He and Mr Ibu come up with some cunning plan but yet again I have no fucking idea what was said but they are both very happy with them selves and I am happy for them to be this happy.
The next thing we get the video of a ship sailing. So my only guess is Mr Ibu hid in a container and jumped the boarder. He could have bought a ticket with the envelope from the beginning I have no fucking idea.
The next thing you know its Big Ben and by the looks of things the fucking idiot has landed here in London because thats where ferries land you these days is in the River fucking Thames.
Just so you definitely know where he is they put London on text on the screen just avoid any confusion. And to top it off they have a lovely 30 second song which will loop in your head for the next six hours which goes

"Mr Ibu in London
you are welcome to London 
Ibu Ibu
Mr Ibu in London
you are welcome to London 
Ibu Ibu
Mr Ibu in London
you are welcome to London 
Ibu Ibu
Mr Ibu in London
you are welcome to London 
Ibu Ibu"

It will annoy the fuck out of you more than ten screaming babies!

From there he ends up in some dodgy part of the docklands with two shifty looking blokes in a convertible car giving him the third degree.
Mr Ibu cautiously approaches the car and asks them if he is in America. 
The one in the drivers seat tells him to fuck off in a thick South African accent. Look at him with his little white woolie hat and his pencil beard. What a cunt!
Ibu is all confused standing there with his Wheres Wally T shirt on. He is proper fucked now so he magically makes his way back to Tower Bridge where meet the most famous cast member of this movie.
Its David Blane in a box! Remember when he did this pointless stunt where he stayed in a glass box in the sky without food or water to the delight of no one? Well here it is documented in this powerful drama about some dickhead who got lost in London. While looking at Mr Blane Mr Ibu accidently bumps in another Nigerian man who is watching the box also. I am kind of guessing this is a family comedy, but when Ibu bumps into his fellow country man he is greeted with..
 "FUCK"
Yes when Ibu bumps into the Nigerian man the Nigerian man screams "FUCK" at the top of his lungs. This made me crease up so hard as it is just so unexpected to see F bombs getting dropped in family movies the BBFC would have made this an 18 if it were 1997! Anyway the man informs Mr Ibu that he is in fact in London and not in America. He takes Mr Ibu on a tour round the place.
The first part of the tour he teaches Mr Ibu how to line up and buy a cheeseburger. This but confused me as how comes Mr Ibu has British money? Fuck knows I am past caring.
The next port of call is a news agents. Now matey from earlier has vanished into thin air and now Mr Ibu is coming to terms with CCTV and is puzzled as to why he is appearing on the screen.
 He just cant get it and does silly body movements just to make sure its really him on the monitor. He asks if they have the Punch which I gather is some kind of Nigerian newspaper and they say no.
 He looks confused at all the newspapers and then fucks off outside.
Now Mr Ibu is wandering around and I dont have a clue where he is going and neither does he. Its here where he has another encounter.
This time its a dog that is confusing the hell out of the absolute moron. He stands there staring at it in awe until he asks the stupid question
"is it a sheep?"

No Mr Ibu its not a Sheep its a fucking dog you prick!

He then ends up walking about on some housing estate looking like some lurking rapist about to pounce when he sees some ugly fat bird he likes the look of.
He gets her going with a few lines about how the weather is cold here and would be no good for Nigeria. 
Within seconds the fucking slag gives him her number which is 077985717538. So lads if your feeling a bit desperate just give her a call and talk about the weather and I'm sure she will give you a nosh or at least a quick wank for ya troubles. Mr Ibu forgets the number within minutes like the complete spaz he is.
Next Mr Ibu goes jay walking as he doesn't know how to cross the road because he is an idiot. As the movie progresses I hate this character more and more and also lose the will to live by the second.
We then get a shot of London with four days later in text. Now if they are going to try and tell us that this Nigerian man who hates the cold weather and is as dumb as fuck survived 4 nights sleeping rough in London that is even more ridiculous than...  wait what am I doing why am I even trying to argue about realism with a movie about a man who got on a boat and doesn't know what a dog is?
Yep he roughed and not just that he magically changed into a Christmas jumper from that imaginary wardrobe he carries with him! While he is sitting there like he supposedly has for the last 4 days a smartly dressed black guy comes along who thinks he recognizes him.
Yep he surely knows him from somewhere but where?
Why of course its Mr Ibu the man who rescued him from falling in a gutter 15 years ago in Nigeria! What a small world! What a shit film!
He takes Mr Ibu away and tells him to come live at his house as its warm and has food! Mr Ibu has had a right fucking touch. I wanted the movie to end with Mr Ibus body floating in the wrong side of the Thames but oh well.
He brings Mr Ibu home and his Mrs well dont look happy about the random tramp he has brought home and rightly so. She calls him in the kitchen for a quick word.
During their absence Mr Ibu has a staring match with a fish in a tank.
The wife isnt happy about Mr Ibu tramping it up on their sofa as he is a complete stranger. She does have a massive point. But matey tells her that its only for a few months and that surprisingly wins her over and she agrees.
Back in the lounge matey explains to Mr Ibu that he can stay and no there isnt a Shark in his aquarium.
Mr Ibu gets up and says he is going for a piss outside! Matey explains that you cant piss in the street you will get arrested and to use the toilet. Mr Ibu asks if he has a bucket.
When Mr Ibu comes back into the room his clothes have magically changed yet again.
He starts to chill out and watch some TV. What makes me laugh is that he can use a TV but isn't toilet trained. Mind you I make him right I'd put TV before learning how to pooh like a civilized person. Mr Ibu spots something which sends him into a state of panic.
The fireplace fire! Being the plonker he is he goes into mass panic mode and thinks the house is gunna burn down. But not if he can save the day!
Mr Ibu rushes outside the house in search of a bucket
The woman of the house wants to know what the fuck is going down? Mr Ibu explains about the fire.
She calms him down and explains that there is no need for alarm as it is meant to be there. Mr Ibu is still not convinced so he goes upstairs.
He enters the husband and wife's boudoir and has a proper nose around but doesn't wank into her knickers, sniff her shoes or anything like that thank god.
He sees some crossbows on the wall and gets freaked out. To be fair I would as well.
Mr Ibu lays on their bed and messes with a remote control he thinks is for the TV.
As he presses the remote the bed starts to spin round and he gets freaked out yet again. This time its because he thinks the bed has been taken over by the spirit of someone called Mike.
The next scene matey is showing Mr Ibu Tower Bridge. He tells Mr Ibu that Tower Bridge can open and close.
Mr Ibu laughs and basically calls him a liar.
Then Tower Bridge opens! This is probably the most exciting part of the whole movie!
Mr Ibu looks on in amazement and is no more confused than he was 5 minutes ago.
 Next up the London Eye and Mr Ibu is paranoid its going to eat him.
Matey reassures him that the London Eye wont eat and talks Mr Ibu to take a spin.
While on the London Eye Mr Ibu refuses to stand up as it is full of white people! 
After the London Eye Mr Ibu is introduced to mateys mate called Tony. Tony can get Mr Ibu some work but Mr Ibu is being a prick about it as usual and is refusing to give his name to Tony and is being all aggy.
They continue to argue and then this happens
THE END
Yup the movie ends without telling you what happens to Mr Ibu but you can kinda guess he either works as an illegal mini cab driver or he is a freshen up guy at some shit night club in London somewhere

So thats Mr Ibu goes to London now the other week I said Hells Angels on Wheels is the shittest film ever well its not. This is the shittest film I have ever seen! There are no redeeming values of this film! Its not funny, its not entertaining, the sound is awful, the music is shit, the continuity is terrible and unless you want to watch this movie to point out its flaws and take the piss out of it there is no other point. 

Fuck Mr Ibu